If you would have asked me growing up if I would have ended up living in another state I would have told you, "No way!" However, life takes us down different paths and here I am, living in Tennessee. I want everyone to know that I do love living in Tennessee. It's absolutely gorgeous down here and I love my job (most days, anyway). With that being said, I find myself wanting to move home more and more every day.
I have always been extremely close with all members of my family. My brother and sister are 8 and 9 years older than me and most people always assumed I was from a second marriage, but I'm not. My brother was my idol growing up and I followed him and his friends around everywhere. I wanted to be doing what he was doing all the time. My sister and I had quite a different relationship. Although we love each other more than anything, we can't stand each other for more than a couple of days straight. :] The blame can hands down be put on us having to share a room growing up. From the time I was born until the time I was 11 my sister and I shared a room. Now it's not always the perfect situation when a 6 year old and a 14 year old have to share a room. When she got mad at my parents, she would come storming into our room and clean out our closet at 11pm while poor little sis is trying to sleep. We definitely had a love/dislike relationship while sharing a room.
In December of 2002, my father had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital around 12:00am. At this time, it was just me and my parents at home. My dad neglected to tell my mother he was having a heart attack even though he knew he was. He didn't want to freak her out. As they left the house he was leaving files on the buffet and counters and telling my mother to make sure they got to the office in the morning. Since she thought he just had indigestion she replied with, "Yeah, okay, whatever." However, she quickly learned when they got to the hospital that he was in fact having a heart attack and would be admitted immediately. My mother was in such shock that when she went to call me to tell me my father was going into surgery, my father had to take the phone away from her and tell me himself he was heading in. I was only 16 and just gotten my license in August and hadn't really had to drive interstate yet, let alone at 1:30am. I rushed to the hospital to be there when my father came out of the operating room.
My father was "chunky" at the time but definitely was not morbidly obese. He had recently gone on the Atkins Diet and lost 15+ pounds. The hospital told him that the Atkins Diet is such a drastic change for men that it was giving men heart attacks. His cholesterol was high but not through the roof, his blood pressure was high but it usually was. In the end, they put a stint in his heart and stated that he had a "stress induced heart attack."
From that day on, my family has pretty much been stuck together. Sure there are times someone would get mad and not talk to someone for a while or someone was dating somebody that didn't like our family so they wouldn't come around as much. Yet in the end, my family means everything to me. I've never been closer to my family than I am now. Since that day I make sure to say "I love you" to my parents every time I got off the phone. Throughout college, I called my mom almost every day and to this day, I still try to. My mother is my best friend and I will always be a daddy's girl at heart. If I could move home and be my parent's neighbor, I would in a minute.
With that being said, I never would have chosen to move out of state if I didn't feel as though I had to. Michael had wanted to move and try it out for a while and we had tossed around the idea but never considered it would really happen until I graduated college. Most of us already know that Indiana's economy is absolutely a nightmare for education and teachers. After being unable to find a job in Indiana, I was encouraged to look in TN. I was offered every position I applied for in TN and even some others I never did somehow the schools had gotten ahold of my resume. I took it as a sign to move when panic took over and I was still jobless mid-July and here we are.
Today was the first day I have actually felt GUILTY for living in another state. My sister has not been feeling well the past 4 days or so. She told me she has been unable to sleep and was just exhausted but had an extreme migraine and couldn't sleep with the pain. My mom called me and asked what I used to treat migraines and said my sister was not getting any better. She said she was incoherent and not understanding much of what they said. When she woke up this morning, her vision was blurred and very limited and she looked horrible. My mom told my dad to take her to the hospital. Once there they discovered her blood pressure was 215/145 (through the roof) and performed a CT scan. Her brain was swollen and her kidneys had shut down. She was given medicine to bring down her blood pressure. Once it came down, they decreased her dose but her blood pressure jumped again so they put it back up. Her swelling has gone down and they are monitoring her blood pressure but her kidneys are still not working/barely working and they are too small for what they should be. They'll continue to monitor her the next few days in ICU. I have been an emotional wreck all day and very sick to my stomach. I am guilty I cannot be there for her. I am guilty that I live too far away. I would do anything for my family and it hurts knowing I couldn't help her, let alone go visit. :[ For the first time ever, I want to move home immediately. I'd drop everything and go if I knew I could find a job there. But I can't and this is a lesson life is teaching me. So I'll continue to torture myself with the guilt. I'm sure I'll be heading up north in the morning or sometime this week so I know for myself that she will be okay.
Overall, Tennessee has been a pleasant experience and has truly made Michael and I focus on our marriage (since it's pretty much just us). We have some friends here but they are all co-workers and it's just not the same. I've quickly learned that some friends think 2 states away is too far to try and upkeep a friendship and it breaks my heart. Some of my closest friends are the ones I talk to the least now. Granted, we have very different schedules and we are all busy but it's not hard to keep up these days... especially with facebook.
It's been an extremely emotional day and at this point I would throw in the towel and pack everything up to move home, if I could. But I can't. So I'll charge forward with life and make the most of our experience and hope and pray that we'll get back home soon.
I love you, sis and I hope you get better very quickly. You're adorable 6 year old daughter is home waiting for you and just knows that "mommy is very sick." :[ We might fight like cats and dogs but you know you'll always be my sister and one of my best friends.
